Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Why am I so amazed?

My husband and 3rd daughter are off on an adventure. They are traveling to North Carolina to visit Reed and Kelsey. The events of the last 5 days are too much to sort out. It all started last Thursday when Kelsey called me to say she and Reed now knew when he would go to his SERE training. She knew I would be happy to know she planned to come home for 2weeks of his 3 week training. I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone and thinking of all the difficult circumstances Reed was training through. I was happy but realized her dad would see her coming home in a few weeks as a reason to cancel he and Abigail's trip. Why spend the money and make such a long trip when Kelsey would be back here. Well can I just say every situation in life has perspectives....He had his and from my perspective all I could see from cancelling this trip was sadness and disappointment for several of the people I love most. But as I tried to explain myself to my usually willing to listen husband I found that all I was doing with each word was frustrating him and making him feel I didn't respect his point of view.
After 27 yrs of marriage I have learned only a few things about avoiding a major meltdown. But I also could see the telltale signs of a set up for the perfect "relationship storm". I was headed directly into the storm front. Knowing we needed a time out from the discussion my husband went to work out at the gym. after he left I dissolved into a puddle of tears allowing myself to feel the pain of the disappointed 14yr old. (I knew she was looking forward to the special trip with her dad and making her own connection with the sister and new brother in law living so far away in NC) In this moment I remembered the feelings of the 14yr old I was many years ago wishing I could have the attention of my dad and feeling unimportant. I cried for that 14yr old too.Then I cried for the daughter in NC who could also feel less important by her dads choice to not come. I cried for my new son in law thinking of his smile and how my husband could encourage and affirm him in the ways only a loving proud dad could do. I again cried for me because I was the one who really wanted to go the most just so I could hug my kids and share a piece of their life only shared through time spent. Yes there was allot of crying...Gee you would think at 46 I wouldn't need to cry so much.
I stopped crying and started to pray, because I had a grandma that not only stated that crying was OK but she insisted that praying is the most important thing you can do in any situation. Yes she even prayed for the right parking spot to open up when going to the store.
I did not discuss the subject with my husband anymore that day. I politely hugged and kissed him on my way to work. Thankfully my patient assignment kept me constantly busy all night. I prayed every time I thought of the situation and prayed that Gods plan would happen and if my husband cancelled the trip that I would have peace and release all my worries about my kids disappointments and all the potential hurts. All night in my mind I was formulating the "perfect" words I would use to convince and help my husband understand my perspective. I didn't have time on my lunch break to compose the email.
Sunday morning was daylight savings, so it really was 6am when I arrived home thinking I would compose the email before I went to bed. I walked in the door to find my husband sitting in the living room reading. I looked at him and quickly breathed a prayer asking God why He wants me to do things His way. I didn't want to discuss this again with my husband face to face. Email would be better Right? As the words started across my lips I realized my husband had not changed his perspective. He was although going on the trip. I was confused. He said "You got your way but not because of the reasons you think." I was thankful he was going through with the trip but still felt sad that he and I couldn't come to an understanding. I was hurt and exhausted. I went to bed hoping I could sleep this bad dream away. I had just pulled the covers over my head when I could feel someone cuddling in beside me. It was my husband holding me and saying he was sorry for hurting me and how much he loves me and doesn't want any walls between us. WOW... Of course I cried again but this time it was tears of peace and joy because God softened his heart like no words I could compose. Why am I so amazed when God does what he does best, heals hearts, loves His children (yes even the 46yr old moms)Makes peace and shows Himself in ways we never expected. This is my blessing for the week. I just took Dan and Abigail to the airport and although I'm sad I'm not going I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has it all under control and He knows what He is doing. I really am so glad I'm not in control. I don't want my way I want His.


  1. I'm not an incredibly religious woman, but believe you me I do believe in the power of prayer! I actually read this the other night, but was unable to poast a comment as this little form wouldn't come up, so now it's good that it did! I wanted to thank you for your support!!!

  2. I love the way you talked of your grandma's words. Sweet.

    What a journey you two went through! I loved your happy ending.