Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Changing Hats.

Its 4pm on a Tuesday I think. After working 2 and 1/2 of the last 3 nights I slept till 1:30 and have now been sitting in a chair since. It is so hard change hats from night shift nurse to Mom, wife, cook, taxi driver, housekeeper etc. You have the idea. I am off for several days now and hope I can quickly adjust to my other roles. My family is wondering what level of no food will finally inspire me to go to the store. No not yet. I will only go to get something to fix for dinner tonight. I am so tired and feel like I have major jet lag. Only I have not been on a trip. I have only ventured into the land of the people who do not sleep at night, because babies dont know night from day and the stork works 24/7. I love all the hats I wear and hope I feel ready to face them all tomorrow

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Part of my heart is coming closer

When all my children lived under my roof and I could reach out ,hug them and love them I had no idea what it would be like to have my heart stretched out over the entire continent of the U.S.A. This week I am blessed to look forward to my #2 daughter coming home to visit while her military husband is off for training for 3wks. I feel a sense of relief thinking about wrapping my arms around her tiny frame.

My blessing this week is the realization that God is so capable of hugging my kids when I cannot touch them. He is with them always. I worried, that is the key word worry we should never use, my daughter needed comfort when she took her husband to the airport this week for his training. I was in pain thinking about her driving back from the airport alone for the first time since her marriage 7months ago. Far away in NC I could not sit next to her in the car as she drove back from the airport. The night before I called to pray for her over the phone. By the way God does hear us when we pray. I prayed that God would ride back from the airport with her and that God would comfort and carry both my daughter and son in law through this time of separation. I called her at 5:30 am knowing she would be back by this time. When she answered the phone I knew immediately that peace and comfort had been her companion on the drive that morning. Her calm voice stating "Mom I was just fine, I didn't even cry." Its not that I never want to have my kids experience difficulty or grow I guess its the hope that they will experience Gods personal presence in their difficulties like I have in my life. I am experiencing a different dimension of Gods love when I see Him loving and caring for my grown kids. Im happily anticipating my daughters visit but I am continuing to ask God to be with my son in law during his training and the comfort of my daughter as her heart is stretched across the U.S.A. to her husband as he endures and grows in his training.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Springbreak, not in Cancun

Ive been a little whiny lately. I think its that old green eyed monster jealousy that is lurking around my attitude. Its spring break and its rainy and cold. This is no surprise for Oregon in March. We love the spring flowers and green landscape but boy do we pay for it with rain rain and more rain. It seems like every where I turn someone is elated to be on their way to Cancun or some other sunny destination, except for my friend R who unbelievably is camping in this rain. I'm trying not to be jealous of the sunny travelers. The only thing I can think of is at least I'm not where everyone else is fighting for a place to lay my towel on the beach or lounge chair by the pool. I do love my comfortable bed at home and my parents are here visiting from southern Oregon, and as I'm writing this post my two silly girls have come into the room to do a dance routine to entertain me. How could I ask for more? Comfort, warmth in my home and family to love.

Proverbs 14:30 (New Living Translation)
30 A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The legacy of the baby booties

You ask "What are these?"

Hand knit booties that if I counted the hours it takes to make them I would never start another pair. After you read the story you will know why Ive now made 5 pair in the last 6 months.

You cannot tell by looking but these booties are more than yarn and ribbon. Almost 24yrs ago I was pregnant with my first baby. I had the glorious privilege of carrying the first grand baby for both my mom and dad, my husbands parents, and the first great grandchild for my grandma K. With much anticipation we all waited. While grandma K waited she knit a pair of soft white booties that resembled winter snow boots we used to call "moon boots". I watched my grandma knit these booties on five of the smallest knitting needles Id ever seen. The needles reminded me of over sized toothpicks. When my daughter was born I loved to dress her up like a doll. The booties my grandmother made were so practical.They stayed on her feet when nothing else would. Aside from keeping her feet warm when ever I looked at the booties I thought of every stitch and the hours spent by my grandmother. These booties represented a legacy of love to my daughter.

My grandmother told me she and all her friends started knitting these booties back in the 1930s when resources were small and time more plenty. She made them as gifts and for her own babies.

Late last summer I knew I would be attending several conferences and wanted a project to keep my hands busy while I listened. I always get a little fidgety sitting for hours. The project is small and didn't require my constant attention to count every stitch. I experimented with organic cotton thread because several of the moms -to- be feel organic natural fibers are an important consideration.

Several coworkers were expecting babies and I now had an opportunity to give my gift of the legacy booties. It seemed kind of silly but as I knit I would also pray for the mom,baby and family to which I was giving the booties.

Shortly after I started making these booties the daughter who had worn the inspiration booties came to me to share a heart ache. She and her husband of 4yrs had been trying to conceive for a year and now were starting the process of infertility evaluation. My heart ached with them. Now my bootie knitting took on a different perspective. I worried my bootie knitting would make my daughter sad because it solicited the natural question from friends of "oh are you going to be a grandma?"

I will be a grandma. We don't know the timing. I will keep knitting and praying. Maybe God knows I'm a slow project finisher and can get distracted so Hes giving me some extra time to make each stitch of love.

He knows when the little feet will arrive to fill the booties. Until then I will keep making each stitch to gift others with the legacy of the hand knit booties, until my daughter tells me the next pair will be for my grandchild.

I was so proud of my effort to find this old pattern and learn how to make them like my grandma. I went to her house to show her what I had accomplished. She was so shocked. She said " Why in heavens name would you make that pattern it was so difficult and took so long. Aren't you too busy to ever finish them." I explained to her how in my eyes the booties had represented special love and investment. I wanted to give that to others. She was proud. When my daughter does have a baby it will be her first great great grand child.

First signs of spring

crocus are the first flowers to peek their heads out and show spring is coming. I love to see them it gives me a measure of hope when the days are mostly gray and rain seems to be pouring down everyday. When we get a reprieve from the rain its amazing to take a walk in the sun. Brooke, Tessah and the granddoggie Libby and I venture down the path. Appreciating the blessing of time spent with my 2 of my sweet daughters. After a recent wind storm many large trees fell Tessah is sitting on the tree and behind her is the root system of this huge tree uprooted.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The police officer was very nice.

No, I really didn't want to meet any police officers today
but one wanted to meet me.
Can I say OH!!!!!! MY!!!!!!! Goodness!!!!

No I was not changing lanes no,I was not speeding . As I approached the crosswalk the light changed to yellow. OK slam on the breaks or go through. Considering the wet road and cars directly behind me I went through, and yes I am again on the side of the road meeting a police officer.

This time all I can think of is how lucky and stupid can I be to get two tickets in two weeks, considering Ive been driving for 30 years with only one ticket. All I could think of is How much is this ticket going to cost? and how high will my insurance go up or will the company just drop my insurance? All this and my cell phone rings before the officer can approach my window. I answer my phone and start to cry as I tell my friend I am getting another traffic ticket. I give the officer my drivers license and she tells me not to worry she was not giving me a ticket today. Wow what a blessing!!! She then explains she stops drivers mainly to educate not to ticket. So she tells me instead of a $250.00 ticket for going through the intersection on a yellow light I must remind 10 people that in Oregon it is against the law to proceed through on a yellow light. Can I just tell you I'm thinking maybe a bus pass is sounding good to me right now or some kind of drivers reeducation. I'm not sure how many lessons I can stand to learn this month.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Why am I so amazed?

My husband and 3rd daughter are off on an adventure. They are traveling to North Carolina to visit Reed and Kelsey. The events of the last 5 days are too much to sort out. It all started last Thursday when Kelsey called me to say she and Reed now knew when he would go to his SERE training. She knew I would be happy to know she planned to come home for 2weeks of his 3 week training. I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone and thinking of all the difficult circumstances Reed was training through. I was happy but realized her dad would see her coming home in a few weeks as a reason to cancel he and Abigail's trip. Why spend the money and make such a long trip when Kelsey would be back here. Well can I just say every situation in life has perspectives....He had his and from my perspective all I could see from cancelling this trip was sadness and disappointment for several of the people I love most. But as I tried to explain myself to my usually willing to listen husband I found that all I was doing with each word was frustrating him and making him feel I didn't respect his point of view.
After 27 yrs of marriage I have learned only a few things about avoiding a major meltdown. But I also could see the telltale signs of a set up for the perfect "relationship storm". I was headed directly into the storm front. Knowing we needed a time out from the discussion my husband went to work out at the gym. after he left I dissolved into a puddle of tears allowing myself to feel the pain of the disappointed 14yr old. (I knew she was looking forward to the special trip with her dad and making her own connection with the sister and new brother in law living so far away in NC) In this moment I remembered the feelings of the 14yr old I was many years ago wishing I could have the attention of my dad and feeling unimportant. I cried for that 14yr old too.Then I cried for the daughter in NC who could also feel less important by her dads choice to not come. I cried for my new son in law thinking of his smile and how my husband could encourage and affirm him in the ways only a loving proud dad could do. I again cried for me because I was the one who really wanted to go the most just so I could hug my kids and share a piece of their life only shared through time spent. Yes there was allot of crying...Gee you would think at 46 I wouldn't need to cry so much.
I stopped crying and started to pray, because I had a grandma that not only stated that crying was OK but she insisted that praying is the most important thing you can do in any situation. Yes she even prayed for the right parking spot to open up when going to the store.
I did not discuss the subject with my husband anymore that day. I politely hugged and kissed him on my way to work. Thankfully my patient assignment kept me constantly busy all night. I prayed every time I thought of the situation and prayed that Gods plan would happen and if my husband cancelled the trip that I would have peace and release all my worries about my kids disappointments and all the potential hurts. All night in my mind I was formulating the "perfect" words I would use to convince and help my husband understand my perspective. I didn't have time on my lunch break to compose the email.
Sunday morning was daylight savings, so it really was 6am when I arrived home thinking I would compose the email before I went to bed. I walked in the door to find my husband sitting in the living room reading. I looked at him and quickly breathed a prayer asking God why He wants me to do things His way. I didn't want to discuss this again with my husband face to face. Email would be better Right? As the words started across my lips I realized my husband had not changed his perspective. He was although going on the trip. I was confused. He said "You got your way but not because of the reasons you think." I was thankful he was going through with the trip but still felt sad that he and I couldn't come to an understanding. I was hurt and exhausted. I went to bed hoping I could sleep this bad dream away. I had just pulled the covers over my head when I could feel someone cuddling in beside me. It was my husband holding me and saying he was sorry for hurting me and how much he loves me and doesn't want any walls between us. WOW... Of course I cried again but this time it was tears of peace and joy because God softened his heart like no words I could compose. Why am I so amazed when God does what he does best, heals hearts, loves His children (yes even the 46yr old moms)Makes peace and shows Himself in ways we never expected. This is my blessing for the week. I just took Dan and Abigail to the airport and although I'm sad I'm not going I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has it all under control and He knows what He is doing. I really am so glad I'm not in control. I don't want my way I want His.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I drove safely today....

I'm so thankful I didn't meet any police officers today. I safely made it downtown to attend a 2hr class on evaluating productivity in my hospital dept. Exciting!!!! you say. Not so much but I do understand more than I did before I took the class. More fun today was the Charge nurse meeting I attended and best of all the Bible study group I attended with my husband in the evening. Wow... what a full day. I'm not used to waking at 645 am and running till 9pm.Between the Class and my preparation meeting for the charge nurse meeting I was trying to accomplish a personal goal. My 14 yr old wanted a new Bible.Awesome you say... I never imagined it would be so challenging to find a Compact Bible with a filigree design, after stops at two Bible book stores I tried to get smart and called two more stores from my cell as I drove back to the hospital. I finally reached a very helpful person at my local Bible book store. She didn't have the Bible I wanted either but was willing to order it and it would arrive next Tues. Yea !!! success. One goal accomplished. The sun came out today just long enough for me to get my sunglasses out and imagine I looked really cool cruising in my shades. OK sorry I actually get pleasure out of thinking I look cool in my car. Pretty lame huh. So it was good the discussion in Bible study was about how all we have belongs to God and we are just in trusted with what ever we have to pass it along for His purpose. I was reminded again what a relief it is when I realize how this life is not mine to direct and manage. Ive given my life to Him and what ever stuff He entrusts to me is His too. What a relief. So I don't need to worry. God says to me

Matthew 6:30-32 (New Living Translation)
30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.
my blessing for today is the fact my 14yr old is asking for a new Bible so she can pursue a relationship with God of her own. (really no better blessing than this)and His infinite care for me

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Did I learn a lesson?

I met a man in uniform today. I almost ran him over on the road. Scary!!!!!.If I look at my experience today as a learning experience I could say I learned making a lane change when a motorcycle police officer is in you blind spot is a very bad idea. This lesson will cost me $100.00. It could have been worse.I'm so thankful the "worse" did not happen. The part I am having such a difficult time accepting is the fact I did not see the police officer.We are all human and capable of error. I was not in a hurry, upset,eating,speeding,talking on the cell phone,sleepy or anything else I could attribute any blame. I apologized to the officer but I'm not convinced I can change anything in the future. I want to think I can learn something from this situation. I try in everything I do to think about others and care about helping and not hurting. I have to accept that I am capable of failure. The blessing is no harm occured and I will pay more attention in the future. Boy I wish the lesson didn't cost $100.00,but I'm glad my lesson didn't cost the police officer a higher price.I will send my check in and move on and hope I dont have any expensive lessons to learn in the near future

Monday, March 2, 2009

Blessings in time spent.

The girls and I went to see the movie confessions of a shopaholic. Mindless you say? Yes but time spent with 3 of my 4 daughters as the commercial says “ priceless”. We jumped in the car thinking we would be late to the movie. Going to a movie on a Sunday evening was Kind of random, but the Brooke wanted to see it and funny her husband really was not that excited to go? We parked the car and braved the wind that was so cold we yelled as we ran into the theater. As we entered the movie we realized that we were the only ones there to watch. We took the best seats in the house and propped up our feet. The movie was funny and kind of mindless but amazing the moral of the story was really good. “Place more value on people than things and don’t be defined by your things.”I can’t believe Hollywood was making some of the same points we learned this week in church. Throughout the movie I kept glancing down the row and appreciating how blessed I am with the people in my life and especially to be blessed with time with them. When the movie was over two of the girls stopped in the “little girls room” so I thought I would brave the wind and bring the car around to wait by the door for them. When they arrived at the car along with them came my cousin Julie, she had been in another movie and the girls met up with her in the bathroom. We visited for quite a while with the wind whipping in the open car door. One more silly blessing , time spent with a sweet cousin.